Dialog in place of the Meta-Commentary in an Outtake from Steven Soderbergh's "Schizopolis"

Dialog in place of the Meta-Commentary in an Outtake from
Steven Soderbergh’s “Schizopolis


In 1996 Steven Soderbergh made a film called Schizopolis. Some outtakes from the film were posted on youtube a few years ago (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9eOLEdTG7Gc

In the outtake below, Soderbergh plays a guy who tries to pick up a girl who is played by Soderbergh’s ex-wife, Betsy Brantley. In the scene the characters’ lines are not traditional dialog but meta-commentary on their feelings and reactions to what the other character says.

At English lessons three separate groups of students came up with five different versions of the dialog that might have taken place between the characters. Here are the five different versions composed by three different groups of students.



Actual Dialog, Version One
Composed by Alex, Darya, Yaroslav, and Yuri
(the meta-dialog from the outtake is given in brackets after each line)


GUY: I've never read here before; I guess this could be a good place to read?
[Opening line, seemingly devoid of intent and meaning—posed as a question?]

GIRL: I guess.
[Bored reply.]

GUY: So what kind of book do you think somebody like me would want to read here?
[Second attempt, trying desperately to establish eye contact. Tentative smile on the wane.]

GIRL: I don’t know. Maybe a comic book?
[Same reaction with slight irritation.]

GUY: If only I had enough money to buy a comic book.
[Very close to giving up; uh, obvious lame attempt at joke.]

GIRL: [silence]

GUY: I'll have to go find a comic book store that's not too expensive before my sitar class.
[Pleasant parting comment, masking deep pain and humiliation; inadvertently mention some trivial shared background or a friend.]

GIRL: You play the sitar?
[Surprise reaction. Eye contact and smile.]

GUY: Not very well; but better than I look.
[Stunned at good fortune, suddenly believing in several religions. Self-deprecating joke.]

GIRL: It has to be better than your pick-up lines.
[Spontaneous guffaw; brief retort.]

GUY: Jimmy.
[First name.]

GIRL: Jennie.
[First name.]

GUY: In fact I'm going to a sitar concert this weekend.
[Very subtle inquiry regarding weekend plans.]

GIRL: Well I usually work on the weekends but I recently quit my job.
[Coy reply indicating availability both in general and this weekend specifically.]

GUY: Then I'll go and get an extra ticket and be back here in a couple of hours.
[Uh, offer to talk later in such a fashion that leaves me with the upper hand.]

GIRL: Not sure I'll be here, but it is a good place for reading.
[False blasé response not meant to be taken seriously.]

GUY: Enjoy your comic book.
[Meaning understood.]


Actual Dialog, Version Two
Composed by Katya Sliunko and Viktor
(the meta-dialog from the outtake is given in brackets after each line)


GUY: I think a girl like you should be sitting with a handsome guy, don't you?
[Opening line, seemingly devoid of intent and meaning—posed as a question?]

GIRL: Not if I'm studying.
[Bored reply.]

GUY: Maybe studying together would be more efficient. I'm not busy.
[Second attempt, trying desperately to establish eye contact. Tentative smile on the wane.]

GIRL: Thanks, but I like studying alone.
[Same reaction with slight irritation.]

GUY: I see a book there so you're not actually alone.
[Very close to giving up; uh, obvious lame attempt at joke.]

GIRL: [silence]

GUY: I see that that book is more interesting than me so I'll go study for my social psychology final.
[Pleasant parting comment, masking deep pain and humiliation; inadvertently mention some trivial shared background or a friend.]

GIRL: I just signed up for that course.
[Surprise reaction. Eye contact and smile.]

GUY: It's a great course. And now you are personally acquainted with the only failing student in the class.
[Stunned at good fortune, suddenly believing in several religions. Self-deprecating joke.]

GIRL: I'm not as smart as I look either.
[Spontaneous guffaw; brief retort.]

GUY: Alex.
[First name.]

GIRL: Julie.
[First name.]

GUY: In fact I'm going to a social psych picnic this weekend.
[Very subtle inquiry regarding weekend plans.]

GIRL: For some reason my psych classmates never like my idea of having a picnic.
[Coy reply indicating availability both in general and this weekend specifically.]

GUY: I was just going to see if they had an extra place for someone right now.
[Uh, offer to talk later in such a fashion that leaves me with the upper hand.]

GIRL: I'm not sure whether I have any free time this weekend.
[False blasé response not meant to be taken seriously.]

GUY: I'll find out anyway.
[Meaning understood.]


Actual Dialog, Version Three
Composed by the Team at Dev-Pro
(the meta-dialog from the outtake is given in brackets after each line)


GUY: The coffee here isn't very good, is it?
[Opening line, seemingly devoid of intent and meaning—posed as a question?]

GIRL: I drink tea.
[Bored reply.]

GUY: Would you like me to bring you some sugar and lemon to go with your tea?
[Second attempt, trying desperately to establish eye contact. Tentative smile on the wane.]

GIRL: If I liked lemon and honey, I probably would have ordered it.
[Same reaction with slight irritation.]

GUY: Oh, Mary Poppins drank her tea straight too. Can you fly also?
[Very close to giving up; uh, obvious lame attempt at joke.]

GIRL: [silence]

GUY: Well maybe we’ll see each other again some time. Enjoy your tea and studying. I’ve got a concert at Yellow Submarine in an hour.
[Pleasant parting comment, masking deep pain and humiliation; inadvertently mention some trivial shared background or a friend.]

GIRL: Yellow Submarine? You’re in the band Hush Puppies?
[Surprise reaction. Eye contact and smile.]

GUY: Yes, I am. I can’t believe you’ve heard of us. I mean, nobody has.
[Stunned at good fortune, suddenly believing in several religions. Self-deprecating joke.]

GIRL: We have no choice. You play so loud.
[Spontaneous guffaw; brief retort.]

GUY: Brad.
[First name.]

GIRL: Julia.
[First name.]

GUY: So, do you have a lot of studying this weekend?
[Very subtle inquiry regarding weekend plans.]

GIRL: Actually, I spend a lot of time studying and I think sometimes I really need a break.
[Coy reply indicating availability both in general and this weekend specifically.]

GUY: My friend offered me Cirque du Soleil tickets. I’ve heard they’re really great and I’d hate to go alone.
[Uh, offer to talk later in such a fashion that leaves me with the upper hand.]

GIRL: I’ve heard it’s a good circus. It ‘s probably worth seeing even alone.
[False blasé response not meant to be taken seriously.]

GUY: I’ll get two tickets then.
[Meaning understood.]


Actual Dialog, Version Four
Composed by the Team at DB Best: Alex, Emily, Ira, Katherine, Natasha, Nikita, and Valerie
(the meta-dialog from the outtake is given in brackets after each line)


GUY: You're reading that dictionary to find the most appropriate word to describe my awesome hairstyle?
[Opening line, seemingly devoid of intent and meaning—posed as a question?]

GIRL: Uh-huh.
[Bored reply.]

GUY: Everybody always says it accentuates the sexiness of my bushy eyebrows. So what do you think?
[Second attempt, trying desperately to establish eye contact. Tentative smile on the wane.]

GIRL: I'll have to get the number of your stylist.
[Same reaction with slight irritation.]

GUY: He's expensive, but he can make your cut look even worse than now.
[Very close to giving up; uh, obvious lame attempt at joke.]

GIRL: [silence]

GUY: That, of course, has been the worst attempt at a pickup ever. It's good I finally signed up for Mason's Flirting 101 class.
[Pleasant parting comment, masking deep pain and humiliation; inadvertently mention some trivial shared background or a friend.]

GIRL: You signed up for that too? I thought I was the only one.
[Surprise reaction. Eye contact and smile.]

GUY: I heard you learn a lot about how to meet people. I can't possibly be any worse at it.
[Stunned at good fortune, suddenly believing in several religions. Self-deprecating joke.]

GIRL: Yeah, you couldn't possibly be any worse.
[Spontaneous guffaw; brief retort.]

GUY: Howard.
[First name.]

GIRL: Melissa.
[First name.]

GUY: So do you think you'll be reading books all this weekend?
[Very subtle inquiry regarding weekend plans.]

GIRL: Since I already found the word to describe your hair, I don't really have much else left to do this weekend.
[Coy reply indicating availability both in general and this weekend specifically.]

GUY: Then maybe you'll come to the study group I set up for the class here on Saturday?
[Uh, offer to talk later in such a fashion that leaves me with the upper hand.]

GIRL: I promised to take my grandma shopping but I think I could squeeze it in.
[False blasé response not meant to be taken seriously.]

GUY: See you tomorrow then.
[Meaning understood.]


Actual Dialog, Version Five
Composed by Andrew
(the meta-dialog from the outtake is given in brackets after each line)


GUY: Last year our scientists discovered ten new stars. It is interesting, I think?
[Opening line, seemingly devoid of intent and meaning—posed as a question?]

GIRL: Do you think?
[Bored reply.]

GUY: Do you really think they put real milk in the coffee here? I don't think they probably do.
[Second attempt, trying desperately to establish eye contact. Tentative smile on the wane.]

GIRL: I don't care, I just drink something...
[Same reaction with slight irritation.]

GUY: If you don't care you can order a glass of ketchup or jam.
[Very close to giving up; uh, obvious lame attempt at joke.]

GIRL: [silence]

GUY: But coffee and milk is nice too, I think, if you don't care what you drink. I actually like dipping cheese in really hot tea. You know.
[Pleasant parting comment, masking deep pain and humiliation; inadvertently mention some trivial shared background or a friend.]

GIRL: I did that with cheese when I was a girl.
[Surprise reaction. Eye contact and smile.]

GUY: But the cheese has to be melted and not fall into the tea. Usually I manage to drop it in.
[Stunned at good fortune, suddenly believing in several religions. Self-deprecating joke.]

GIRL: Especially if it is not your cup of tea.
[Spontaneous guffaw; brief retort.]

GUY: Scott.
[First name.]

GIRL: Natalie.
[First name.]

GUY: Are you going to be reading this book all weekend?
[Very subtle inquiry regarding weekend plans.]

GIRL: I was hoping the book would keep me company this weekend like most of the semester.
[Coy reply indicating availability both in general and this weekend specifically.]

GUY: Let’s meet tomorrow and I'll prepare some better jokes in the meantime
[Uh, offer to talk later in such a fashion that leaves me with the upper hand.]

GIRL: I'm not sure I'll have time tomorrow, but I can try to come
[False blase response not meant to be taken seriously.]

GUY: I hope you have time
[Meaning understood.]



Actual Dialog, Version Six
Composed by Julia and Yevgeny
(the meta-dialog from the outtake is given in brackets after each line)


GUY: So what do you think of the coffee they have here?
[Opening line, seemingly devoid of intent and meaning—posed as a question?]

GIRL: It's ok
[Bored reply.]

GUY: Just okay? You mean like my stylish haircut?
[Second attempt, trying desperately to establish eye contact. Tentative smile on the wane.]

GIRL: Actually it’s better.
[Same reaction with slight irritation.]

GUY: Maybe I’ll shave my head and brew the shavings with coffee?
[Very close to giving up; uh, obvious lame attempt at joke.]

GIRL: [silence]

GUY: It was nice meeting you but I have a date with a good cry watching Gone with the Wind.
[Pleasant parting comment, masking deep pain and humiliation; inadvertently mention some trivial shared background or a friend.]

GIRL: That’s my favorite film. I watch it at least once a month.
[Surprise reaction. Eye contact and smile.]

GUY: I was just on my way to the matinee showing at the IMAX here. You can easily find me by my less-than-stylish hairdo.
[Stunned at good fortune, suddenly believing in several religions. Self-deprecating joke.]

GIRL: I’ll know who not to sit behind in the theater.
[Spontaneous guffaw; brief retort.]

GUY: Jack.
[First name.]

GIRL: Samantha.
[First name.]

GUY: There are a lot of showings this weekend if you have any free time.
[Very subtle inquiry regarding weekend plans.]

GIRL: I do have finals next week. But I always like seeing really good films on the big screen.
[Coy reply indicating availability both in general and this weekend specifically.]

GUY: I’m pretty sure my friend at the cinema told me this weekend they’re showing Gone with the Wind.
[Uh, offer to talk later in such a fashion that leaves me with the upper hand.]

GIRL: I’m not sure. I’ll definitely have to check my schedule.
[False blase response not meant to be taken seriously.]

GUY: I’m confident Gone with the Wind is worth finding the time for.
[Meaning understood.]




Actual Dialog, Version Seven
Composed by Andrey, Slava, Daniel, Alexandra and Nastya
(the meta-dialog from the outtake is given in brackets after each line)


GUY: Hi there. It’s quite noisy here, isn’t it?
[Opening line, seemingly devoid of intent and meaning—posed as a question?]

GIRL: It is.
[Bored reply.]

GUY: Is that homework you’re doing? Is it a Shakespeare sonnet or limerick?
[Second attempt, trying desperately to establish eye contact. Tentative smile on the wane.]

GIRL: Wrong, Sherlock.
[Same reaction with slight irritation.]

GUY: Actually, Sherlock is my boss. My real name is Watson.
[Very close to giving up; uh, obvious lame attempt at joke.]

GIRL: [silence]

GUY: I see you’re not a Sherlock fan. I guess I didn’t learn much about human behavior from Green’s Psych seminar.
[Pleasant parting comment, masking deep pain and humiliation; inadvertently mention some trivial shared background or a friend.]

GIRL: You take Green’s seminar? I’ve never seen you.
[Surprise reaction. Eye contact and smile.]

GUY: Well, you just haven’t noticed me. I wear an invisibility bracelet so that I don’t get upset about people who can see me not noticing me.
[Stunned at good fortune, suddenly believing in several religions. Self-deprecating joke.]

GIRL: Lucky you forgot to put it on today.
[Spontaneous guffaw; brief retort.]

GUY: Tom.
[First name.]

GIRL: Jennifer.
[First name.]

GUY: Will you have to spend all weekend writing about Shakespeare’s limericks?
[Very subtle inquiry regarding weekend plans.]

GIRL: Well, I never thought I’d take a break from those limericks, but maybe this weekend could be an exception.
[Coy reply indicating availability both in general and this weekend specifically.]

GUY: I’m having a party on Sunday. It would be nice if you came.
[Uh, offer to talk later in such a fashion that leaves me with the upper hand.]

GIRL: If I have free time and feel like it, I might come.
[False blase response not meant to be taken seriously.]

GUY: Great. See you then.
[Meaning understood.]











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